Look what God has done

March 2, 2009  10:40 pm

So, today was the 2 year anniversary of the accident.  I feel like I’ve been out of it all day… just keep thinking back, keep looking at the clock thinking about what was happening then.  Remembering the struggle that morning to even go.  Pulling over about an hour before the accident so I could feed Malachi, Tim joking that I should be able to do that without everyone having to stop….

Getting back on the road….. Allison turned around talking to me….. seeing the bus swerve, looking in the left lane to make sure they didn’t hit anyone… turning back to the front to realize there was a semi right there…..hearing myself screaming “Oh God, Oh God, help us!!!”….. hearing Allison screaming…… hearing, seeing, and feeling the impact…… hearing someone calling my name, to wiggle free, to slide down and wiggle free…. Laying on the side of the road with snowy mist falling on my face, thinking I didn’t feel cold and I should…. Seeing Jamie right there in my face telling me I was going to be just fine, and Allison was fine, and Malachi was fine….. asking Jamie where GraceAnna and Malachi were over and over… realizing I had already asked him that and couldn’t remember what he had told me…. Sleeping bags piled on top of me… being slid over to the backboard… riding in the ambulance….. the woman trying to get an IV in me… me thinking I was really fine….fading in and out on the ride to the hospital… getting there and they open the doors of the ambulance…… laying in the ER – it all seemed very dark….. about to vomit, they turn me, and I see it….. it is dark, dark red – almost purple – at that moment, I realize things must be very very bad….. I begin to lose feeling in the right side of my face…. Now the pain sets in… my head is pounding…… I keep telling myself tomorrow I will feel better, just wait till tomorrow….. a doctor shows up and I tell her that the right side of my face feels numb, she asks if it just started, I say yes…… then I see Dawn Janho, she tells me I’m beautiful ( I know I look a mess)…. I go for a CAT scan, on the way I get sick again… more bloody vomit… Jamie was there that time to tell them I was getting sick…. In the CAT scan machine, I get sick again, more blood… I feel bad cause it’s all over the inside of the machine… I wonder who’s going to clean that up and want to apologize to them….. every time I vomit it gets all in my neck brace and no one gives me a new one or cleans it up… I reek of blood and vomit…. I’m so sick to my stomach and my head feels like it is crushed… my face hurts… I can’t talk right – my speech is slurred, my tongue won’t move right

Malachi stays in the ICU room with us overnight.  The next day, Deb Cruver and Dawn Janho show up with a new car seat for Chi.  They are taking him down to Jamie’s parents’.  I am sad that he is leaving.  And I miss Grace.  My sisters come from TN, they come in to see me and then leave to go have dinner and I want to go with them.  One night in the ICU I was hallucinating horribly…. 2 different times I ripped the leads off my chest, and one time I rip my IV out of my arm… my nurse is not very patient with me and yells at me, asking me what I was thinking…. I cry and tell her I didn’t realize what I was doing – I had had a dream and in my dream it made sense.  Except for at night, Jamie is able to be with me the entire time…. He switches off with my sisters – only 2 were allowed in at a time.  My mom comes a few days later…. They read to me (from the Bible and Streams in the Desert), sing with me, pray with me, talk with me, and just sit with me while I am in and out of sleep.  Every visitor I have is so amazing to me… Rob, Marlene, and Hunter,    Warren and Bonnie Bishop (they bring me a blanket and Chris Tomlin’s “See the Morning” CD (which I listen to and fall asleep to every night)), my best friend Jenn and her husband Brent (who lived in Erie, PA at the time), other good friends of ours Jason and Mindy Wolfe (who came from Williamsport, PA), a random doctor who was a friend of someone’s from ZA stops in to pray with us, a married couple from WOL – who also pray with us.

I am so happy the day one of the nurses comes in and says she is going to wash my hair.  It is still caked with blood and vomit.  I tell her thank you over and over again.  I feel so much better with clean hair!  I am moved to the step-down unit.  One nurse has a British accent, he is very kind as he administers shots in my stomach, multiple pills, eye medication and ear medication.  Sitting up is really hard – I am so nauseated.  Just getting out of bed is a 10 minute ordeal, because I get motion-sick, so I have to move super slow.  The day I am released is amazing…. I just cannot wait to see my babies.  But the ride home is much harder than I am expecting…. I am so sick, my head and neck still ache and I am scared to death that one wrong move will send me back to the hospital… I secretly fear I am being released too soon – but don’t want to say anything because I miss my kids so badly.

The weeks that follow consist of doctor appt after doctor appt and hours in the car… I am still so motion-sick, that we cannot go anywhere without me throwing up – and the force of vomiting hurts my neck and head so badly.  We finally figure out it is the pain killers that are making me so sick.    I can’t eat anything solid, because of the paralysis, my mouth is producing very little saliva, so it is next to impossible to swallow anything that isn’t liquid.  Also because of the paralysis, I cannot open my mouth right and when I bite down I have to hold my upper lip out of the way or else I will bite it.  I have to keep my right eye taped shut because it won’t close on its own.

Going up and especially down the stairs is extremely hard – I have to keep my head looking straight ahead or everything begins to spin and I lose my balance.  Hearing is extremely hard.  Everything is muffled and jumbled, like I’m underwater trying to listen to conversations.  My ears pop all the time, but with no relief.  I cannot see well.  Everything is blurry, I cannot focus, it is like looking through glasses that are scratched and wet.  My head aches, but laying it on a pillow hurts worse than sitting straight up.  I cannot take care of my children.  I can barely take care of myself.  Jamie brings me my meds every morning and night.  He sees to Malachi’s needs.  He plays with GraceAnna.  I am sad because I can’t do those things.  I wonder how long it will be this way.  I am so needy and I don’t like that feeling.

I have nightmares.  Very vivid.  I wake up one night and cannot stop wailing – Jamie asks me what’s wrong and I can’t even figure out why I am so sad.  I wake up another night hearing Allison screaming and hearing and smelling the impact.

I am glad I am 2 years removed from all of it.  I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hard to endure.  So many things were so unsure.  But, I’d also be lying if I said God’s grace was not sufficient… because it was.  I think one of the biggest lessons I learned is that God is God and I am not.  It is not for me to question His ways.  He is Good.  He is Faithful.  And every morning I awoke with new mercies.  And every morning I awoke with more joy (even if there was weeping in the night).  And every day, I learned of new ways God was using this accident to bring more glory to Himself.  And that has not stopped… even 2 years removed, God is still working miracles in my life and in those around me because of what happened.  I am determined to never let this story get buried.  My children will hear of God’s faithfulness till they can recite it in their sleep.  And prayerfully, they will pass it on to their children, generation after generation.  I pray that the “ripples” from this accident will never stop, as more and more people learn of the glory and goodness of God.   That’s why we are on this earth….. How can I keep from singing His praise?  How can I ever say enough?  How amazing is His love.

All week leading up to snow camp, I was really struggling with whether or not I should go.  I didn’t really want to leave GraceAnna for 3 nights and 4 days.  I was flip-flopping all the way up to the night before.  Finally – I prayed about it – isn’t it funny/sad how praying about it was the LAST thing I did…. Anyway – as I was praying, I really started to feel like I should go – no real solid explanation – just a feeling – now if you know me very well, you’ll know I’m not much for sensationalism and I rarely use the phrase “ God told me” – or “ God spoke to my heart”… but in this instance – I really felt like the Lord did “speak to my heart”  and He was saying “Come away with me.”  I went ahead and packed my bags that night as if I were going to go – but still held out for the morning to make a final decision.  The morning of March 2, I woke with such a strong urging to go – and the same phrase was resounding in my head… “Come away with me”.  Now, being the mom of a two year old and brand new 2-month old, you can imagine how little quality time I get with the Lord – the more this phrase rung in my heart, the more sure I was – that yes – I needed to get away and be alone with the Lord.  Little did I know the plans God had for me…..After the accident, a dear friend gave me Streams in the Desert and as I was laying in the hospital bed, barely able to see or hear, my sister read to me the devotional for the day of March 2 – it referenced a verse in

Exodus 34 – verse 2″ Be ready in the morning, and then come up ……. Present yourself to me there “…. –

the same refrain the Lord had laid on my heart.  It was so comforting to hear those words and be reminded of what I had been confident of Friday morning… that the Lord had wanted me right where I was that morning.

I have been nervous about sharing my story – not because I am scared for people to know my story  but because I am scared of my pride and my “old self” that loves to rear its ugly head!  I so want the Lord alone to be glorified and don’t want to say anything to puff myself up or make myself look like I am this amazingly spiritual woman with some kind of deep walk with the Lord – I am scared to steal any of the spotlight from Jesus – because He is the only one who should be exalted EVER – and especially here as I share what He has done.

Psalm 115:1 1   “Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness.”

As I prayed about all of this, I realized the best way to glorify Him would be to share with you His words – and not mine… so with the rest of my space, that is what I want to do…. Share with you His words that were impacting and especially meaningful to me right after the accident….

Isaiah 40 (selected verses)

6   “All men are like grass,
and all their glory is like the flowers of the field.

8 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands forever.”

11 He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.

12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?

13 Who has understood the mind ^[d] of the LORD,
or instructed him as his counselor?

14 Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,
and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge
or showed him the path of understanding?

15 Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
they are regarded as dust on the scales;
he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.

25 “To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.

26 Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God”?

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.”

As huge and infinitely great God is… He still chooses to give strength to the weary

God’s grace is overwhelming.  He knows exactly what I need to get through each day… and not just “get through” but rejoice in each day and all that it brings.  James 1:2-3 – “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,  knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.”

I Peter 4:10  10 ” Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms.” As this verse implies, many times this month, I have known God’s specific grace for me each day through many of you – whether it was a hot meal, an encouraging e-mail, card, or phone call, someone to do our laundry or watch our children as we’ve run around to various doctors… God has used you to administer His grace to me and my entire family!

II Cor 12:9-10 9 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Lamentations 3:21-23

“Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.”

In all of His goodness and grace, we oftentimes forget how massive, frightening, terrifying, and “other-worldly” God is.  If it were not for His great love for us, we would be totally consumed in His presence – we would perish.  Yes, He is big enough to save our lives in the accident and even heal us completely, but sometimes we forget that He is “big” enough to do pretty much whatever He wants to!  And I can guarantee whatever He chooses to do will be that which brings Him the Most glory.

Psalm 115:3

” Our God is in heaven; he does whatever pleases him.”

The following is the e-mail Jamie sent out six days after the accident:

For anyone who is not aware our youth group was traveling up to youth camp in New York on March 2nd and April was in a serious car accident.  The pick-up truck she was traveling in was following our church bus, towing our luggage, and moving at about 60 mph when they hit a semi truck (near Albany, New York) that was backing up in the right lane of the highway.  April, our son Malachi, and our dear friends Russ and Allison Highton were all in the truck.  Malachi and Russ came away from the accident without any significant injuries.  Allison is home now with some bad bruises and some cuts to her face.  She is in the process of healing from damage done to her eyes.  Russ said that the doctors told him that there is a 99% chance of full recovery for her eyes.  Allison is pregnant and her baby is completely fine.  We are praising God with them.

In light of the fact that April’s head was wedged between the roof of the truck, that had crumpled down, and the back window of the truck, she is doing wonderful.  We want to ask you to make her healing a matter of prayer, trusting God to do what He wills and continuing to pray for a full recovery.  Right now missing Grace and Malachi is wearing on her and she is looking forward to going home.  Physically, she has a fracture in one of the vertebrae (this will heal on its own with time), a basal skull fracture or fracture in the lower rear of her skull (this will heal on its own with time), a perforated eardrum and displaced inner ear bones on the left side (the eardrum will heal and the bones will most likely recover, but she may need to have a surgical procedure to get those bones back in place).  There are a number of fractures along the right side of her face, from the temple down to the upper jaw (this may need surgery over the next few weeks, they won’t know for sure until the swelling goes down).  She also had a cerebro spinal fluid leak from her ear because the lining between her skull and her brain was torn from a contusion (basically her head had some major trauma), but this has stopped leaking.  Due to all of the swelling and the trauma there is nerve damage causing paralysis or palsies in her eyes and to the right side of her face (they have said that this will “most likely” heal with time, but nothing is certain about nerve damage).

With all of this going on April is in high spirits and continues to praise our Lord Jesus!  So here are the lyrics to the song that have been ringing in April’s head since the accident:

There is an endless song, Echoes in my soul, I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come, I am holding on, To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise

How can I ever say enough, How amazing is Your love

How can I keep from shouting Your name

I know I am loved by the King

And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes, In the darkest night, For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You, Knowing You’ll see me through

And sing the songs You give

I can sing in the troubled times, Sing when I win, I can sing when I lose my step

And fall down again, I can sing cause You pick me up, Sing cause You’re there

I can sing cause You hear me Lord, When I call you in prayer

I can sing with my last breath, Sing for I know

That I’ll sing with the angels, And the saints around the throne

-Chris Tomlin

April says she is very thankful at this point to be able to see and hear from at least one side and that she can give a half of a smile, but we are praying for a full recovery and asking you to continue to pray with us.  April says, “Up until Friday of the accident I was debating whether to go on the trip.  I made a list of pros and cons and was making a logical decision.  Thursday night I decided to pray about it and felt a peace about going to snow camp.  I felt God repeatedly saying ‘come away with me’.  Friday when I woke up, the words ‘come away with me’ were resounding in my head, so I felt confident about going and using this time as a retreat with God.  I wasn’t anticipating a journey like this.  But, now I am humbled to think that God entrusted me with the opportunity to bring Him glory by how I respond to this situation.  At times I have felt a bit frustrated and sad, but in the big picture I feel blessed and honored that God would find me worthy of being a vessel to bring Him glory.  I have already heard some amazing reports of how God is using this situation.  My biggest prayer request is that I don’t forget how I am feeling now and that I will continue to see the big picture – the only picture that matters – because we are eternal and what happens here is a small detail in the eternal picture.  To become focused on my pain is silly when taking that bigger picture into account.  I just want Jesus to be glorified!!!”